Who am I?

As you can tell from my posts, I have a wealth of stories from my childhood with which I like to entertain my audience. Some of you may know me very well and others not at all. Who am I really? Well, I'm glad you asked.

1. I am from a small town in Georgia. Not one red-light small but not big enough to have a Macy's, either.

2. I like to fry my food and then smother it in gravy. I've got the sneaking suspicion that my jeans are going to start forming a militia.

"Step AWAY from the Crisco," they'll demand.

Until then, I fry.

3. I live with Granny and Papa. Granny likes doing laundry. She's the perfect roommate. Papa reads my mail, burns my trash (another story for another time), and snoops around my room when I'm not home. He's not the perfect roommate.

4. I'm terrified that someone is going to be hiding under my bed waiting to slit my Achilles tendons so I get a running start and jump onto my bed. This only applies to beds that don't have bed skirts (i.e. beds that I can see under), though. I don't understand the rationale behind that but it is what it is.

This fear is the consequence of reading a flyer that circulated around area churches when I was approximately 14 years old. "Gangsters" were hiding under the cars of young girls and slitting their ankles so that they could take them off and murder them. Another of these "circulations" warned against taking change out of a payphone (ha, payphone) because needles containing HIV were lurking, waiting to stab you and infect you. My favorite was the one warning against movie theater seats that contained these needles.  To this day, I check my seat for HIV needles before I plop my butt down to watch a flick.

Today, we would call this nonsense SPAM and delete it from our inboxes but 11 years ago preachers were reading it as though it were news from the CDC. Lawd.

5. I've got two chicken pox scars between my eyes. I told granny that I fell and they came off but I really picked them off myself. What was I thinking!

6. I am a back seat driver. I can't help it.

7. I am a back seat everything. I may not know what you're doing but I can offer up at least 10 ways to improve and streamline the process.

8. I like to peel things. Tape, paint, sunburnt skin... No peeling surface is safe when I'm around.

9. I was so traumatized by school lunch room mashed potatoes that I didn't touch them again until I was 16 or so.

10. I have since made up for the lack of mashed potatoes in my earlier years. I need to step AWAY from the mashed potatoes.

11. I will not step away from the mashed potatoes.

12. I am supposed to be studying right now. I am a procrastinator.

That's all for today! See y'all tomorrow!

P.s. I am happy to report that Granny's cell phone is still working.