Day 5: The Moaner

Moaner is going to cringe when she reads this... and probably moan. Ha.

She hates this name, you see. I coined her the Moaner one day when we were in TJ Maxx and she spotted a humongous picture of Marilyn Monroe that she just knew I needed for my new bedroom. How did I know she'd found said artwork? I could hear her dramatic moaning from three aisles over. I darted over to the aisle to see what was going on. After I saw her oogling the picture, I said "Don't you know that you sound like you're having sex over here?"

This is where she came dangerously close to becoming "The Laugher" because she has the loudest laugh. Ever. I mean. She could break glass when she gets going. Seriously, I watch my water glass when she gets wound up. Which is often. But, I digress.

Moaner strikes often. At dinner, she moans over food. When she gets off of work, she moans because she is tired. When she is excited, she moans because, well, she's excited. But my favorite Moaner times are in stores when we're shopping. Or when she's shopping online. Blush colored blouses are bound to get a loud one out of her. And jewelry? Don't get me started.

I drag Moaner on many a shopping trip. By this I mean, I hold her hostage for a few hours while she tells me what looks good on me and what doesn't. I tell you that to tell you this, I've had to tell her to pipe down more times than I can count. Which gets a fit of laughter from her. Which also has to be contained. With all the moaning, we defintely look like lesbians wherever we go. This isn't helped any because she also likes to hold onto my arm. I wonder how many people have prayed for our souls when they see us out and about.

Nevermind. I don't want to know that.

Anyway, Moaner and I know how to get ourselves into a jam. This story has little to do with moaning, but more with laughing. Can I combine the two words? Laughn (lawn?)? The Maffer? HAHA! I might try that for a line or two.

Moaner was the store's co-manager at a women's retail shop back in my college town when I was an associate. I'm not sure how, but we always managed to work together. I'd pick us up breakfast and we'd sit in the back and chit chat for a few minutes while she was doing the morning paperwork. It was a lovely routine that I miss very much.

One particular morning, we got to talking and the conversation went on for a little too long. You see, we had just received a new shipment of clothing and it needed to be placed on the sales floor before the store opened. With minutes to accomplish this task, I dashed to the back room to grab this massively massive bar of pants. It was massive, did I mention that? I grabbed at and began pulling when I felt it giveway and start to fall towards me.

Now, when one of these things tips over, it's as big a mess as you're going to see around a clothing store. It's a tangle of hangers and clothes and rolling rack. The wheels get caught up and everything is on the ground.

*(Side note: this was around the time I'd hired a personal trainer so I was feeling extra "strong" this morning.)

I screamed "Help!" and Moaner came casually strolling back to the stock room, clearly not realizing the urgency of the situation. When she saw me, and the look in my eye (she's terrified of my raised eyebrow), she put some pep in her step and tried to help me.

We heaved, and we ho'ed. Nothing happend. She started laughing which made me laugh and we finally just let it fall. I spent five minutes picking up and detangling the heap of pants and Moaner laughed her way to unlock the store. Fail.

Can I point out here that Maffer doesn't like to drop F-bombs, but rather shouts out "Eff" whenever she faces adversity? How endearing. She's adorable, really. Right down to her "Marth Stewart Threw Up in Here" apartment. (She'll text me "OMG, I can't belive you said that!" as soon as she reads this). I guess I should take this opportunity to point out that she has the most retardedly short toes I've ever seen. Seriously. It's like, what happened to the rest of them?

*note: Maffer, remember all the awesome presents I got you? Like your mink? And cameo? Please don't hate me!
**She's my best friend, and this is why I can call her names and pick on her feet. I just buy her nice presents to silence her protests.