Pages

Monday, April 30, 2012

The Henchmen

In case you don't know much about me, I am an insurance agent when I'm not eating sweets or pinning pictures of my dream home. While I normally get to save people money and make them happy, there are times when I have to be the bearer of bad news. Just last week I had a really angry elf of an elderly woman staring me down as I attempted to lower her monthly bill. I was semi-successful, but it was my delivery of the bad news that kept her from chewing me out. Do you want to know I saved my skin?

I smiled when I told her. Yep. It's as simple as that. No one wants to hear that they owe more money than they had budgeted for from a jerk. So, if you smile when you're delivering the blow, it takes the edge off.

Now, what does this have to do with my normal Crossfit posts? Well, my friends, it has EVERYTHING to do with Saturday. You see, my class decided that we would attend Saturday’s 9:30 am class together to get in an extra workout. We were told that attendance is low, so we felt fairly safe assuming that it would be just us girls.

What did we learn about assuming last week? Apparently, nothing!

When I walked through the door phrases like "Get out of dodge," and "In over my head " flashed through my mind. You all know how I love to be descriptive and I'm not going to let you down. I was instantly aware that we weren't in Kansas anymore when I saw some of the "advanced" guys doing pull-ups and rowing way faster than I ever imagined at the far side of the gym. Actually, they were more like machines than men. Crossfit manchines (lame, I know, but seriously. They were unstoppable). I looked around for my girls and found them stretching in our usual spot. We all had the "oh ****" look on our faces and I think that if I had offered to drive everyone to Cracker Barrel for breakfast instead of staying, I wouldn't have met much resistance. We were the little kids on the big kids' playground. No doubt about it.

Major Pain had other obligations so, in his absence, he unleashed his henchmen on us. His wife was the butt kicker for the day. She smiled during introductions and seemed to be one of the sweetest people I've ever met until she dropped a bomb on us in the form of a ridiculous workout of the day. She did redeem herself with some paleo style strawberry cupcakes (which she delivered with a smile) att the end of the workout, though. She had assistance in the form of a very muscular, very enthusiastic Crossfit regular that sometimes helps out when they need more hands and eyes. He is also loud. And bossy. Soooooo bossy!

I'll cut to the chase and tell you that by the time we were warmed up and ready for our workout of the day, I had already scraped the skin off of my knees and soaked my shirt with sweat. The actual "workout" was pure torture. We did a combination of dead lifts and running. It started off with doing 25 reps and then running 400 meters (1/4 mile) and coming back in and doing more reps, more running, etc. I got lapped so many times by the guys during this process that I quit keeping count.

**I found out during the lifts that I need to work on my flexibility because my butt won't go far enough down. I blame it on my leg and butt fat smushing together and not allowing any more downward movement. Don't try to tell me any different.

I am not exaggerating when I say that I wanted to puke and cry all at the same time. The ONLY thing that kept me going was Mrs. Linda running beside me cheering me on and the bossy manchine yelling at me from the gym that I was going to have to do burpees if I quit running. So yeah, I basically sucked it up because I hate burpees more than I hate running. And Mrs. Linda was sweet enough to run with me. That's what I love about Crossfit. When anyone sees that you are struggling, they automatically jump into cheerleader gear. It also helps that they've all been where I am and remember their first few weeks. Sympathy all around, guys!

When I got back I was seeing stars (in the literal sense) and wanted to curl up into the fetal position, but we had 100 abmats to do (sit ups with your legs butterflied). I haven't done abs in three years so this was an experience I won't soon forget. I still feel like someone kicked my in my ribs.

By the time I was finished I had a pretty ridiculous sunburn on my face but I actually felt better once I caught my breath. I guess the grueling run worked the soreness out of my legs from earlier in the week. Even though it was probably the most exhausting workout I've ever experienced, I was so proud of our class for making it through with the big boys!

I finished the day with some gardening and a second viewing of The Hunger Games which renewed my love for the books. I might read them again this week!

Now, if you will excuse me, I've got to put my smiley face back on and break some bad news!

Peace out!

SJM

Friday, April 27, 2012

New Moves

In college, I had a friend who would say to himself in the mirror, "I'm alert, I'm alive and I feel GREAT!" His dad taught him to say this every morning to start his day off on the right foot.

Well, this morning I managed to get out an "I'm alive!" and that was about it. There were a few grunts and groans, too. I knew that going to Crossfit three nights in a row was a risky move seeing as how I have led a pretty sedentary life up until this point, but my fear of that dreaded "second day soreness" was motivation enough for me to power through. I won't lie, I really did not want to go last night. My legs hurt, my ankles hurt, my back hurt... everything hurt! I began stretching the minute I got home from work and continued to do so for the next two hours leading up to my class. Lord I am such a wuss.

I really should have noted my surroundings when I walked into the gym and taken them as a sign that I needed to turn around and RUN to my car! A friend of mine was finishing up her workout and the only way I can describe the remaining group would be to say that they looked like dehydrated starving lions hunting in sub-saharan Africa. Does that adequately describe it? Think of the animals on Animal Planet who are starving and sharing the watering hole with their prey. That's how they were moving. Go look up exhausted in the dictionary and ye shall find them there. (I should note here that this was one of the more the advanced classes that was suffering so. I mean, the writing was all over the wall in bright letters and I just bounced right over to the stretching area and pretended to see nothing!)

I will say that Major Pain gave my quads and hams a break and focused on torturing my upper body this time. At one point I was absolutely positive that I was going to either tear something or fall over backward from the weight on the bar hovering above my head. I think that my arms were responsible for lifting said weight above my head but I am pretty sure I blacked out during the process so I can't be 100% certain. All I know is that I did NOT want to bring the weight back down!

Oh, remember wonder boy who was working out with us on Tuesday? The one who had endless energy and was doing circles around us? Well, the whole time I was suffering through my arm presses, I had him right beside me doing something that resembled a squirrel crawling backwards up a tree (but on the wall because of course there aren't trees inside). Over and over again. I got tired just looking at him! How's THAT for motivation! And he smiled the whole time. Gag.

Also, I did not wear a bar t-shirt. Actually I did but it didn't have "BAR" plastered across the front and it was really faded so I didn't think it counted.

Let me interrupt by saying that I, being the planner that I am, checked in with MP to make sure that we wouldn't be doing any intensive leg exercises because my legs were so sore yesterday that I was afraid to even attempt to stretch. I was assured that he had some "new moves" for Rachel and I. With renewed enthusiasm I decided to go for the Turkey. Three nights in a row!

I assumed that the aforementioned "new moves" were the presses I'd done so diligently since I assumed that my legs would be left to rest because they had been to hell and back during Tuesday and Wednesday's workouts. It was also the promise of "new moves" that kept me from rapidly exiting the premises when I saw my cohorts suffering through the last ten minutes of their workout.

WRONG AGAIN! You know what they say about assuming... don't!

Shortly (like, one minute) after our arm routine was done, I was rudely introduced to the Burpee. Very rudely introduced. If I had to describe it I would call it a squat thrust on steroids. With a jump at the top. Oh, and we had to jump over a bar between reps. And I was supposed to do 25. My jump resembled a sissy skip more than a two footed jump, but I was so past caring about jump form that I did whatever I could to get my feet across the top of that bar. I was morbidly afraid of falling forward and busting out my two front teeth. I made it through about 14 when my wedding ring went flying out of my "media pocket" in my top so I walked over to my belongings and placed it gingerly on top of my phone. (The top was a gift from the "Easter Bunny" this year. I guess she knew I needed to get my butt off of the sofa and do something! And by Easter Bunny I mean Granny, of course). On my return to my designated area, I rolled my ankle. Yes, I did. I made it through the run, lunges and squats and stretches, tons of "up and downs" on a box and half of my burpees and I roll my ankle WALKING!!! And walking slowly at that!

WHAT IS MY MALFUNCTION!

Aside from the sore ankle that is still nagging me a little this morning, I feel so much better than I did yesterday. Like, a millionbajillion times better. I am deathly afraid that by skipping tonight I am going to wake up with rigor mortis in the morning.

I will also note that I've radically changed my diet over the past few days and I can FEEL IT!!! Not in a good way either. This must be how crackheads feel when they try to kick their habit because I am obviously terribly addicted to sugar and bread. I couldn't put a sentence together yesterday after lunch and I would have mugged someone for a Coke. I might hurt somebody if I don't a) eat pasta or b) get over the withdrawals.

Here's a link to Rachel and I putting our own spin on Burpees.

Just kidding. But seriously? Who has that much fun doing these things sober? I would have to be in the bottom of a bottle to have that much fun!

I'm off to lust after the mini strawberry pastries in the break room.

Laters,
Sunny

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Aftershock

Have you ever had your muscle fibers injected with cement and then tried to stretch? I haven't either but that's how I felt yesterday morning when I woke up. Although I was glad that the noodle syndrome was gone, I was so stiff that I thought my legs were stuck to the bed when I tried to move them! I rolled out of bed and onto the floor to stretch. Polly took this as a sign that I wanted to play so she sat on my lap while I did my stretches. No, it wasn't easy or at all practical but she is spoiled and I don't like being mean to her so I let her harass me and lick my face while I attempted to get some of the soreness out.

I pretty much shuffled everywhere I went yesterday with my flexibility returning around 3 pm.

Rach and I ate dinner at my house and decided that we had better measure ourselves so that we could "track our progress." Now, if I were a person who actually knew what good measurements were I might have had my feelings hurt by the numbers but I'm not so I didn't. I did, however, hide the page with our measurements on it in a secret place so Adam wouldn't find it and make fun of me. He is, after all, a string bean with natural muscle tone and definition. He sucks.

At 7:20 Rachel and I, being the mighty warriors we are, walked back into the gym- ready for another hour of muscle building torture. We just knew that we would be working our abs or arms since we had done legs the day prior.

WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong a million times WRONG! Instead of squats we switched it up to dead lifts. And by switched up I mean we only squated to 90 degrees vs the approximate 45 from the squats the night prior. And we did this while holding pvc pipes. At first I was glad for the lightness of the pipe but by the end of the night I wanted to impale myself on it and end my misery.

Thinking that there weren't going to be any kids around, I wore yet another City Bar shirt and instead of one kid there were a million. They were there for pitching lessons in another part of the building, BUT STILL! I hardly ever drink and I am the one repping the bar. Granny would be so ashamed!

(This reminds me of when I was in High School and granny would do my laundry. If my cousin or I had anything she thought was too short, tight, sheer or just didn't like, she would hide it in the cabinets in the laundry room. Needless to say there was a stash of miniskirts that I uncovered one day!)

We did get to work our upper bodies in the form of pull-ups (ha!) and push-ups (double ha!). I do this thing where I start laughing when I am failing miserably. Maybe it's a coping mechanism. Idk. Anyway, I was laughing hysterically at myself trying to do 20 push-ups. Idk what Rachel was doing because I was too focused on the intense burning in my chest.

We staggered out of the building and into my car at around 8:40 and headed to pick up Rachel's baby girl. The night was capped off when Rachel's legs gave way and she FELL into her mom's entryway! After I was sure that she hadn't hurt herself, I had to do the leg cross thing because I was laughing hysterically.

I am not kidding when I say that ourlegs were not good for ANYTHING! We were murder bait last night. If someone had come after us, we would have had no defense because our legs were useless.

I made it home around 9 only to remember that my towels were in the dryer. In the basement. That was the true cherry on top. I poured myself into bed after a long shower and I have to say that I have never slept more solidly in my life.

My morning began with the same stretching and face licking from Polly as yesterday but I got a little more stretching in because I distracted her with a rogue shoe string I pulled out from under the bed.

Right now I am feeling about like I was yesterday. We are supposed to be drinking tons of water, but drinking tons of water only makes me have to pee. When I have to pee I have to go squat over the toilet and what I really need is a crane to lower me because my quads start shaking so bad that I think I'm going to fall over. Seriously. This morning I had to grab the sink and the wall beside the toilet and lower myself onto it because my legs just weren't up to the task. That may have been tmi but I'm just behing honest here!

The only consolation I've gotten today has been that Eric said he had some "new moves" for us tonight. Meaning that we wouldn't be using our legs as much. HALLELUJAH!

I'll let you know how tonight goes tomorrow. Until then, I'm having a staredown with my bottle of DeerPark. It is saying "Drink me!" and I am saying "I don't wannaaaaaa!!!"

If you've been thinking about trying Crossfit, give it a shot! I promise you aren't too out of shape. You will never be in good enough shape to be able to go through a workout without wanting to die. That's the point of it (I think), to always push yourself! Also, not everyone runs around in sports bras and spandex like I thought they did.


Peace,
Sunny

Sucking Wind

I'm alive! I have been short on blog material for a while and couldn't put my finger on why I didn't have the inspiration to write. This morning, it dawned on me. I haven't been embarrassing myself in public enough. We all know how I like to make myself look like a fool when the world is watching. Well, my friends, I'm back in action! First, some background.

Last weekend my handsome husband and I attended the wedding of some close friends of ours. It was a lovely affair. What WAS NOT lovely was my inability to fit into ANY of my dresses! Not a single one. I would love to tell you that it's because my boobs have grown so much that I just needed new tops but that would be a bold faced lie. I've gotten chubby. There. I said it. My pants are tight, I can't walk up the stairs without getting winded and my legs jiggle a little too much. It was during the dress trying on process that I decided to do something about it. Enter: Crossfit DGA.

I have seen several friends of mine transform from "meh" to MEOW by going to Crossfit. Now, I've been a member of gyms before, but I know myself a little too well. I need someone yelling at me to exercise or else I'll hop on an eliptical for 30 minutes and be done. I needed to see results SOON so I knew that I needed to take radical measures. Being a total chicken, I absolutely had to have a friend accompany me on my first trip, so I tricked Rachel into going. She's so enthusiastic and bubbly about everything so of course she was game. I can always count on her! We decided on the smaller 7:30 pm class to get us started off.

On the drive to our first class, I honestly wanted to throw up. I had visions of people running in the mud and bleeding and sweating and crying in my head. I thought that the instructor was going to be Satan incarnate with whips and a megaphone screaming in my ear. I contemplated turning around several times but I couldn't let perky Rachel down so I stuck with the game plan.

When we walked in, the facility was quite unassuming. Some bars for pull-ups lined the walls, boxes stacked in a corner, "kettle bells" and weights dispersed throughout. It looked innocuos enough.

One must not judge the book by the cover.

The warm up kicked my arse. We ran 400 meters, came back and lunged forwards and then backwards, we skipped, hopped, "Frankensteined", and did all other kinds of gloriously painful stretches. By then Rachel and I were pouring sweat. Eric, the instructor, then pulled us aside to work on form and introduce us to Crossfit. And boy, what an introduction it was. We squatted and squatted and squatted.

Then we did some more squats and something hilarious happened. He asked us to run to the edge of the fence across the street and back.

*I will note here that I felt like an asshat wearing my City Bar t-shirt because there was a KID training with us. I was annoyed with his endless energy and flexibility. I know it wasn't his fault that I was so out of shape but MAN! He was unstoppable! I wish someone would bottle his energy so I can shoot up with it before I go back!

**In my previous experience with squats, you put your hips back like you are going to sit in a chair. This is NOT what we were doing. I think my butt almost touched the floor. It probably didn't really but that's what it felt like. You do 30 of those bad boys and go for a jog and get back to me on the outcome.

"Oh, sure. No problem!" I stupidly thought.

I can't explain the science of what happened to my body, but there was some miscommunication between my brain and my legs/knees/ankles and somehow my arms got dragged into the big mess. When I tried to take my first step, it felt like my joints had been replaced with rubber bands and my bones were noodles. Not the uncooked kind, but the soggy ones that sat in water for too long and got swollen and gross. We looked like the Golden Girls shuffling across the road. Our arms were going twice as fast as our feet and every time I did anything that remotely resembled running my ankles did this wonky thing where they turned in and my knees went sideways.We were a wreck. We laughed so hard at ourselves that I thought I was going to pee on myself. I had to do the whole "stop and cross your legs" thing. Don't judge, you know you do it, too.

When we got back inside we repeated the process. It was brutal.

Once we were granted permission to leave, we trudged back to our cars. I think that I actually had to lift my leg to put it in the car. It was like I had no control of my limbs! When I got home, I almost tumbled down the hill to my front door because I couldn't stop myself once I got some momentum up. It was so pathetic. Polly was watching me through the window with her head cocked to the side. I'm sure she was wondering why I was walking like I had just had a stroke.

Even after all of the pain and agony, Rachel and I both enthusiastically agreed that this was something worth doing again and that we would join. It's always good to have an accountability partner! Stay tuned for more stories from the dungeon.

 (Day 2: The Aftermath and Subsequent Workout is coming next and it's a good one!)

Holla,
SM